10 Rules for Visiting a New Mama

(Yes, Bringing Food Is Mandatory)

There is something irresistible about a brand-new baby. Those tiny fingers, sleepy stretches, sweet newborn sounds, and that wonderful newborn smell make everyone want to rush over for a visit.

But before you head over to get your newborn snuggles, there is something important we need to talk about:

Your visit isn't really about the baby. It's about taking care of the new mama.

She just grew and birthed an entire human being. Her body is recovering. Her hormones are shifting. She's learning her baby's cues, establishing breastfeeding, functioning on broken sleep, and adjusting to a completely new rhythm of life.

This is not the time for her to entertain visitors.

And despite how adorable that baby is, this isn't really the time for everyone else to hold the baby, either.

Mama needs to hold her baby. Mama needs to nurse her baby. Mama needs to rest and recover.

Everyone else? Your job is to take care of her.

So, here are my 10 rules for visiting a brand-new mama.

1. Bring Food. Yes, It's Mandatory.

Don't text:

"Do you need anything?"

She's tired. She doesn't want to figure out what you can do for her.

Just bring food.

Bring dinner. Bring breakfast for tomorrow. Bring soup, muffins, fruit, protein-rich snacks, or her favorite takeout.

Bonus points for something she can eat with one hand while nursing.

And please don't bring food and then wait for her to serve it.

Put it away. Heat up a plate. Fill her water glass.

Feed the mama.

2. Do a Chore Before You Leave

Every postpartum visitor should have a job.

Load the dishwasher. Fold a basket of laundry. Take out the trash. Wash the dishes. Wipe down the kitchen counters. Refill her water bottle. Take the older kids outside. Let the dog out.

You don't have to clean the entire house.

Just follow this simple rule:

Leave her home a little easier to manage than it was when you arrived.

3. Don't Ask to Hold the Baby

I know. This one is hard.

That baby is adorable.

You want those newborn snuggles.

But right now, Mama should be holding her baby.

Her baby is learning her smell, voice, touch, and heartbeat. Mama is learning feeding cues and establishing her milk supply. Baby may want to nurse again even though they just nursed 20 minutes ago.

That's exactly what these early days are supposed to look like.

Instead of:

"Can I hold the baby?"

Try:

"Can I make you something to eat while you hold the baby?"

Now that's postpartum support.

4. Don't Expect Mama to Entertain You

This is not a social call.

She doesn't need to clean before you arrive.

She doesn't need to get dressed.

She doesn't need to fix her hair.

She definitely doesn't need to make you coffee.

If you arrive and she's sitting on the couch in pajamas with a nursing baby and hasn't brushed her hair today, you're witnessing postpartum exactly as it should be.

Make yourself useful, not comfortable.

5. She Will Breastfeed Her Baby

Newborns nurse.

A lot.

Sometimes it feels like they nurse all the time.

Mama should never feel like she needs to cover herself, leave the room, delay a feeding, or apologize because she needs to nurse in front of a visitor.

It's her home.

It's her baby.

It's her postpartum.

If you're uncomfortable, you're welcome to step into another room.

And if you happen to be holding the baby when baby starts rooting, putting hands to mouth, fussing, or showing feeding cues?

Hand that baby right back to Mama.

6. Keep Your Visit Short

You don't need to stay for three hours to show that you care.

In fact, please don't.

A wonderful postpartum visit might look like this:

You arrive with dinner, put it in the refrigerator, fold some laundry, admire the baby, check on Mama, tell her she's doing an amazing job, and head home.

Short and helpful beats long and exhausting every single time.

7. If You're Sick, Stay Home

If you have a cough, sore throat, fever, stomach bug, runny nose, or you've recently been sick, postpone your visit.

Please don't say:

"It's just allergies."

The baby will still be cute next week.

And when you do visit, wash your hands when you arrive.

8. Check on Mama, Not Just the Baby

Everyone wants to know:

"How's the baby?"

Try asking:

"How are YOU?"

And then actually listen.

Is she eating?

Is she getting any sleep?

How is breastfeeding going?

How is she feeling emotionally?

Is she sore?

Does she need anything?

What could make today easier?

Everyone is excited about the new baby.

Make sure someone is paying attention to the woman who just gave birth, too.

9. Don't Give Unsolicited Advice

Every new mama is going to hear plenty of:

"Well, when I had babies..."

"You know what you should do..."

"That baby is going to get spoiled if..."

Nope.

Unless Mama asks for your advice, let her learn her baby.

Encourage her. Support her. Remind her that she's doing a good job.

She needs confidence far more than she needs commentary.

10. Remember Who This Season Belongs To

There will be plenty of time for other people to hold the baby.

There will be birthday parties, holidays, family dinners, babysitting, sleepovers, and years of hugs and cuddles.

But these first days and weeks?

They belong to Mama and baby.

This is the time for her to rest with her baby on her chest.

To learn those tiny noises.

To stare at that little face.

To nurse.

To heal.

To sleep whenever she gets the chance.

To settle into motherhood without feeling obligated to share her baby with everyone who walks through the door.

When a baby is born, everyone naturally focuses on the newborn.

But a mother has been born, too.

And she deserves to be cared for.

So if you're lucky enough to be invited into someone's postpartum space, remember the rules:

Bring food.

Do a chore.

Fill her water.

Keep your visit short.

Tell her she's doing a great job.

And let Mama hold her baby.

Your turn for baby snuggles will come.

Right now, cater to the mama.